“We’d been dating for three years.” This was the opening sentence of the student’s essay on what Evagrius might have to teach undergraduates. He continued:
She’d met everyone in my family. I even told my parents I thought she might be the one. One day out of the blue my girlfriend said she thought we were “outgrowing our relationship” and that we should stop dating and “just be friends.” My world fell apart. When your girlfriend tells you she just wants to be friends, it means that you’ll have lunch maybe a couple of times, then she won’t have anything to do with you. We’d be like strangers.
What does Evagrius have to say to people of today? I think his insights into how to deal with all the chaos and confusion and how to cope with fear and pain have a lot to say. But I can say with certainty that I have been helped a great deal.
My contemplative practice is the Jesus Prayer. Of all the forms of the Jesus Prayer, the simple name of Jesus draws me the most. Even from the brief period of time we pray during class I can tell that there is something to this. Our lives as students are so out of control and over programmed. To be able to be silent, even briefly, is a refreshing break. I can’t do this every day but most days I did. Usually I’m constantly distracted but once I felt a tremendous peace and warmth coming from deep within me. I’d never experienced anything like that before. It lasted most of the day then went away. But it had a lasting effect. I felt more drawn to that place within that I didn’t know was there, and it was easier to return there, much easier. The distractions in my head weren’t as strong.
But now that this has happened with my girlfriend (or former girlfriend), it’s impossible to pray. I’m afraid of silence now. There’s too much anger and hurt and probably a lot more that I don’t know about. Evagrius says, “When the spirit begins to be free from all distractions, then there begins an all-out battle day and night against the irascible part.” This is exactly what happened. To pray is now a battle. I wouldn’t say that I was ever free from distractions, but there had been this warming sensation all over and peacefulness and a growing sense that the Jesus Prayer was an anchor or some sort of opening. Now there is this panic and pain and anger. Apart from the time we take in class to practice contemplation, time for prayer just isn’t going to happen. Evagrius says, “The fact is that this demon entertains the hope of causing us to cease to pray.” He’s certainly right there. I also think Evagrius is right when he says that “resentment blinds the reason of the one who prays and casts a cloud over his prayer.”
The more I would act out my anger, the angrier I would get. At first it was very helpful to talk about it, but soon the more I talked about it the more I would mind-trip on the anger. Evagrius says that “such matters come to mind as would seem clearly to justify you getting angry.” “If you restrain your anger you yourself will be spared.” There is a difference between feeling anger, just letting it be, and acting it out (sometimes in stupid ways that land you in the hospital). Sometimes I think acting it out strengthens it. Evagrius says, “Anger and hatred increase anger.” This is something the Jesus Prayer can be very helpful for. Just say the Jesus Prayer in the middle of the anger. Evagrius says, “At times just as soon as you rise you pray well. At other times, work as you may, you achieve nothing. But this happens so that by seeking still more intently, and then finally reaching the mark, you may possess your prize without fear of loss.”!! I think Evagrius is saying that it’s just as important to pray in the midst of difficulty as it is to pray when things are OK. With the Jesus Prayer you can do this.
~Martin Laird, A Sunlit Absence: Silence, Awareness, and Contemplation
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