A woman whose husband was an alcoholic had feelings of hatred toward him; she even thought of killing him. She accused herself of being thoroughly evil for even thinking such things. This happens to many people who blame themselves for their negative thoughts. The monks are more compassionate on this score. They say that the thought isn’t evil; it has a meaning. I just have to find the strength that lies within it. In the woman’s feeling of hatred for her husband lies an impulse that’s saying: “I have a right to love too. I’m not going to let myself be done in.” If I live out this impulse, I don’t need the hatred. The feeling of hate that comes to the surface in me is not bad. It’s an alarm bell to signal that I’m giving others too much power over myself. If I hear it and act accordingly, the feeling will retreat. If I repress the feeling, I’ll never get rid of the hatred. And then it will destroy me. Thus, we aren’t responsible for the thoughts that turn up in our heads, but for how we deal with them.
Still—as Father Joseph tells us—there are people for whom it’s better simply to cut off negative thoughts and feelings, not to let them approach us. If I notice that I keep thinking about people who have hurt me, then it might be useful to forbid myself these thoughts. I can really think these thoughts through and reflect on how I should react to them; I can work through them and put them aside. But if despite all this they keep coming back, it makes no sense to go on chewing them over. Then I simply have to cut them off and throw them out. Other people are fascinated by the thoughts of suicide that they conjure up. Here one has to get rid of such thoughts whenever they occur. Spending too much time on them can be dangerous. There are some destructive thoughts that we have long since seen through, but that nonetheless keep surfacing. Here too it makes no sense to go on analyzing them. One simply has to bid them farewell.
I have to find out for myself which method I should use. Normally the appropriate thing is to think through a feeling. In this case I often need the help of another person with whom I can talk about my feelings. But when the thoughts nevertheless keep returning, it can be helpful to close the door on them. Then again there are people who ban negative thoughts a priori, and who for that very reason are all the more tormented by them. Here the appropriate choice would be to do a more careful study of them.
A young wife and mother told me that she is often horrified by the thought that she might murder her child. Sometimes when she is changing her baby’s diaper, the thought comes to her out of the blue that now she could kill the baby. Then she has a panic attack that this might actually happen. Here it makes no sense to forbid the thought, because then it will only land on her with a vengeance. If she were to speak with this thought, it would probably tell her that she should make peace with her aggression. As a mother, she believes that she can only love her child, that she is not allowed to have any negative thoughts. But it’s quite natural for a mother to feel not just love, but aggression too. The meaning of this aggression is that she has not totally identified with the child, but is seeking the necessary distance to be able to love the child over the long haul. Thus the mother would have to listen to her aggressions and then dissociate herself from them and take better care of herself. But if she buries all her aggressive feelings, these uncontrolled thoughts about killing her child will come back.
Dialogue with one’s thoughts is called for above all in the case of fear. Fear has a meaning too; it’s trying to tell me something. Without fear I would have no measuring rod; I would constantly make too many demands on myself. But fear often blocks me. So when I talk to my fear, it can direct me to the presence of a false outlook on life. Fear often originates in an ideal of perfection. I’m afraid of disgracing myself, of making a mistake. I don’t trust myself to speak in a group for fear of stuttering, or anxiety that the others might not like what I say. I’m afraid of reading out loud, because I might get stuck. In this case fear always points to exaggerated expectations.
~Anselm Gruen, Heaven Begins Within You: Wisdom from the Desert Fathers
